How An Explosive Argument And A Moment Of Extreme Rage Filled Me With Self-Hatred. And I Couldn't Be More Grateful For It.

I've never been so angry in my life. And it showed.

I was actually pretty surprised with the contrast between my inner and outer experience.

Inside, I felt small. Helpless and unseen.

Complete and utter worthlessness was hiding behind rage.

I was drowning, and frantically grasping at anything that I might get a hold of.

Sadly, there was nothing but water.

And on the outside? I rawred.

It started harmless enough, like all arguments do. But the volume kept increasing. And I can't believe she just said that, she is completely wrong and I can't let her even finish that sentence and continue to live in that reality for another second because SHE IS THE ONE THAT ACTUALLY SUCKS.

I was on the hunt.

Anger injected the needed endorphins into my system so I could fight for my survival in the most efficient way.

Efficiency can be rutheless.

I was listening to every word. Looking for any opening that I can use to tilt her story overboard and crown my narrative as the rightful captain. "She was making me the bad guy", I thought. "How ridiculous!" It was indeed.

Ridiculously infuriating.

You see, I am terrified of having negative impact on others. It touches the deepest gash I carry. My Worthiness is tied in a twisted knot to my effect on those close to me.

And the closest person to me was the farthest away from me in that moment.

"Because of me".

There is no deeper pain in my body than to admit that. And with every sentence I felt more cornered into that reality.

So I had to fight that. At all costs.

I realized way too late that I was sacrificing my well-being in order to remain in this story.

As an uncontrollable rawr leapt from my being, It shook me awake.

I realized in that moment that I didn't just steer my own ship into an iceberg.

I crashed it into a volcano.

And that is no way to treat my vessel.

I moved out the next morning.

That moment still scares me. And it keeps me far away from the lie that I have no control over my reality.

It didn't matter who was right. All that matter is that I hated myself in those moments. And I never wanted to be there again. Never ever ever.

It's funny how a moment of self-hate can help you double-down on self-love.

I didn't have to reach that particular moment. I deserve to treat myself better.