Hey reader,

If you're new here, I'm Neev.

I've worked with hundreds of adults with social anxiety,

And it all results back to one thing their parents didn't do:

Leading with vulnerability.

The Problem: Leading With Power

When your child does something you don't like,

what do you tell them?

• Don't do that

• Be a good boy/girl

• No.

What's the problem with all of these?

The give the child zero information about WHY you don't like it.

They tell the child that the way they are is wrong. They need to be "good".

Which inherently makes them feel "not good enough".

You keep them from developing an inner compass of behavior.

They have to "take your word for it"

Why do we do it?

Because It's easier. It's faster. It's more efficient in the short term.

And ultimately, that's what we've been taught.

It's easier use your power over your child. And sometimes you MUST.

But when you do that, you take away their agency. Their ability to learn and decide for themselves how they want to behave as they weigh it with the impact they want to have on the world.

When you lead with power, you teach your child that listening to you is more valuable than listening and understanding to themselves.

If they want to survive, and if they want your love - follow your rules.

The Solution: Leading With Vulnerability

Leading with vulnerability means treating your child as an equal.

Letting them know you can only speak for your experience,

Standing in both your dignity of having something to teach, and your humility of having something to learn.

Leading with Vulnerability can look like:

"When you drop the plate on the floor, I get frustrated and sad because I have to clean it up. I have a story that you are doing it to make me angry even though I know it's not true. Does that make sense?

When you lead with vulnerability, you give the child the information they need and the safe, unjudgmental space to asses it without shame of believing they are bad.

What if you have to exert power?

Vulnerability is welcome there as well:

"The reason I yelled at you to stop running is because I was afraid you will run into the road and get hurt. I am sorry I yelled."

You are human, and you have emotions and sometimes these emotions get the better of you. You don't need to be perfect.

But you do need to take responsibility for repair.

More on that in the future.

Until then, remember this:

If you want to set your child up for success: Lead with vulnerability, not with power.