It took me 42 years to figure this out.

Ufortunaly, by brother Trevor never learned.

This picture reminds me to ask for help. I was in Nicaragua, living on a farm. The place has to be as close to heaven on earth as there is. For three days, I was extremely anxious.

II was texting with my brothers but letting on to nothing. I typed, "I need to talk," and stared at it for a long time. Normally, I would have deleted it, saying everything is good.

This time, I hit send. Tears flowed. That simple (not easy) act of saying I was in need released a swell of emotions in me that has taken 4 cups of Ayahuasca in the past.

That small, yet massive, gesture to myself snowballed into me finally seeking out therapy.

It had been 25 years since my brother Trevor committed suicide.

My therapist suggested a Goodbye letter. One of the prompts asked what I learned from him?

I want you to know that it has taken a long time, but I am learning to ask for help when I need it. It's not easy, and I may not do it all the time. Every time I do, it gets easier. I hope I have the courage to keep doing it. I wish you could have.

I have had long enough periods when I have felt isolated to the point where I can empathize with the decision he made. He was surrounded by people who adored him but he could not ask a single one of them for help.

He struggled in silence but right in plain sight.