Assumption is the mother of all fu*k-ups.

But we all want to be sure about everything because we're compelled to do it. Nothing in life is certain except death, and that's why we crave certainty. It’s easy to think we know what someone really means when we try to “read between the lines,” but most of the time, we’re just guessing.

We rarely understand others' true intentions, and while we don’t always have to assume the best, staying open-minded is important.

Cut the guessing game

When we try to guess what someone is thinking, we often assume we’re right.

But in reality, we’re just filling in the blanks with our own ideas.

Two things are happening here: First, you're creating this misunderstanding entirely in your mind. The other person has no role to play. Second, you're stripping away the other person's right to share their side of the story.

"We don't see the world the way it is. We see the world the way we are."

I once thought a friend ignored me because they didn’t care anymore. We were close family friends, and our families knew each other. A few months before my mother passed away, I was very stressed to ensure her well-being. At that point, I needed a close friend to be next to me, but I found myself completely alone at this time of need.

I spent weeks feeling hurt, only to learn later that they were dealing with alcohol addiction issues and didn’t want to bother me as I had requested him once to meet only when he was not drinking.

And that was the phase in his life where there was no time during the day when he was not drinking.

You cannot expect empathy from others when you're not empathetic yourself. Everyone's struggling with something in their lives we don't entirely understand.

There can be infinite reasons - just be open

It’s a human tendency to try to understand what others think, but we forget that people are complicated.

There are many reasons for their actions.

Sure, sometimes, it might seem like there's only one reason someone would do something - and who wants to spend their time constantly thinking and brainstorming about the actual reason?

We love closure, and if we don't get evidence that works, we create one in our minds.

Only if we keep an open mind to the different possibilities that could have led to the event, which is making us come up with conclusions, can we free ourselves from the risk of misunderstanding (more often than not).

A couple of weeks back, my coworker’s brief reply to an email seemed rude, but there could be many reasons for it—maybe they were busy, stressed, or just in a rush.

Assuming the worst could hurt your working relationship.

And guess what? I assumed the worst. Now, the person doesn't work in my team. I was stressed, and she was stressed, too. A few days later, when she was moved away from my team and things calmed down, she reached out to me to sort things out.

I learned that her work mismanagement and the toxic nature of the start-up were causing many issues in her married life, and she could not manage them at the time.

I understood what she meant and empathized with her.

"The best gift you can give another person is a gift of understanding."

It's one of the most satisfying feelings in the world - to be understood.

Narrow thinking can limit our understanding and lead to unnecessary conflicts. It's not that difficult to stay open without attachment to any of our prejudices. Two simple steps to achieving this -

Accepting that sometimes, we assume stuff we don't know much about.
Staying open to the fact that we're wrong because we don't know everything about other people.

How does this apply to writing (subtext)

Let's take a quick example -

I want to show that a couple is fighting, and even though the wife is really upset with the husband about something, she cares about him. I need to show she cares for him through subtext. I can't just write - she cares for him.

All these things must be shown in the middle of a fight.

Both the husband and wife are having a heated argument as the husband gets ready to leave for work, while the wife is helping the kid get ready for school and packing the lunchbox for the husband.

The wife is the aggressor and proves her point by telling the husband where he went wrong at last night's party, where he said something to the wife's friend. The husband constantly comes up with his justifications of how there was no other way he could have handled it.

The wife tells him to apologize to her friend, and the husband starts laughing and walks away.

The wife tells him that if he doesn't apologize to her, she'll not speak to him. The husband shows a gesture of relief and suggests that we not speak to each other for at least 2-3 days. The wife gets even more angry.

The husband is about to leave for work, and the argument is at its peak.

The wife notices that the husband has forgotten his tiffin box. She gives it to him as he's about to leave. There's a moment of silence between them. The husband kisses the wife on her forehead and says, "Let's continue this fight in the evening."

That's subtext.

"It's the subtext that creates emotion. You evoke emotion when you just give people 2 + 2 and let them figure it out rather than telling them it's 4."

The way a writer can build a context around a relationship, and even though the scene feels like a crazy, aggressive argument between the couple, in reality, it's just a difference of opinion, and they both are used to it.

It just shows a day in their life, and they'll be fine. Both the husband and wife care for each other.

Now, think of the assumptions made throughout the scene.

As soon as the scene begins, we might assume that these two are fighting.
Maybe someone will blast it because the argument is stretching too much
Maybe the kid will be late for school.

A lot can happen.

But as a writer, if you already know what you want from the scene, you can funnel it down and create a scene that satisfies the purpose.

Last

The missing piece of the puzzle is "context."

When we assume something about others, we miss the context of how and why that person chose to do something we disagree with.

Slapping someone is wrong. But when they misbehave with your sister and, even after a few warnings, don't seem to adhere to civil behaviour, slapping them is the best way to shut them up.

If you look at great movies, the antagonists are the heroes.

If we attempt to look at the story from their point of view. But the writer and director have decided to tell the story from the protagonist's point of view, so the antagonist appears wrong.

This is called setting up the context.

In life, we usually do not have an entire context of where the other person is coming from. So, rather than assuming something is bothering us, we must find ways to question and understand the context before deriving any conclusions.

As I said, the assumption is the mother of all fu*k-ups. Not assuming will free you from many of these fu*k ups and free up your mind.

Until next time,

Ciao!

Be Careful When Reading Between the Lines (Both as a Reader & Writer)

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