Not all feedback is created equal.
Have you ever needed a simple "great job" only to receive a laundry list of things to improve? Or asked for coaching, and instead, someone evaluated you like it was an Olympic event?
Feedback, in its many forms, can fuel our growth—but only if we understand it. And receive it.
In Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen break it down into three distinct types:
Appreciation: The "You’re doing great!" feedback that makes us feel valued. It’s about acknowledgment, not improvement.
Coaching: The "Here’s how to get better" feedback. It’s focused on growth and future action.
Evaluation: The "Here’s where you stand" feedback, measuring us against a standard or benchmark.
The problem? We often need one type but receive another. It’s like craving chocolate and getting broccoli. Misaligned feedback leads to frustration and missed opportunities.
So, what can you do?
Next time you’re given feedback, pause and ask:
What type is this?
What do I need right now?
What does the other person need right now?
Understanding whether it’s appreciation, coaching, or evaluation can help you respond in a connected way instead of defensively.
Your challenge: Reflect on a recent piece of feedback. Identify its type and ask yourself how you can use it to grow.
The key to thriving isn’t avoiding feedback—it’s learning to leverage it.