Over-the-top weddings have become commonplace. My wife and I stumbled on a good way to keep our daughter's wedding under control without causing family strife.

As with many things in family life, it's a matter of setting and managing expectations.

When our oldest daughter got married, we found ourselves disagreeing with her and her fiancé about details. The cost was important to us because we have three children, including another daughter. We wanted to be equitable with our contributions toward all three weddings.

So we gave our daughter and her fiancé our budget.

We told them they could spend it however they want. They could elope and put the wedding budget toward a car or a downpayment on a house. They could have a modest wedding and keep whatever balance they saved.

But if they wanted to invite our friends and benefit from their generosity, the wedding would have to meet certain standards.

For example, it would have to involve a good meal. It would have to include an open bar with call brands of liquor. No tip jars at the bar. The venue had to meet our standard. They could invite as many people as their budget allows under those conditions.

Everyone agreed because the terms were clearly stated and reasonable.

The kids understood our constraints and expectations. They worked within them. They made their own choices. We had no arguments. We helped them do everything as inexpensively as we could. They didn't waste what they saw as their own money. We stayed within our budget. The wedding was beautiful, but not over the top.

And after 20 years the couple is still married.

Like so many aspects of important relationships, you can avoid future conflict by exchanging expectations, then managing against the expectations you've mutually agreed to.