Hi, I'm DeShaunda, and I'm a recovering people-pleaser.

If you've ever caught yourself wondering why a "like" on social media can make or break your day, welcome to the club. The struggle is real.

Recognizing the Signs

The need for external validation is a powerful force that can negatively influence our behavior, our mood, and our sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to recognize the signs and triggers of validation-seeking in myself.

However, once I understood the societal and psychological reasons behind my compulsion to seek validation externally, it became much easier to recognize and avoid validation-seeking traps like these:

Trap #1 ~ Social Media Influence

Constantly checking for likes and comments? Social media platforms are designed to foster validation-seeking behavior. The likes, comments, and shares we receive create a dopamine-driven feedback loop, making us crave more approval.

Trap #2 ~ Cultural Norms and Values

Seeking recognition from strangers and frenemies online rather than people who actually know and love you? In many societies, success is measured by visible accomplishments and social status. This pressure can lead us to seek validation through external achievements and public recognition like job titles, awards, and social accolades.

Trap #3 ~ Consumer Culture

Posting more frequently about the things you have acquired or how much you've achieved or accomplished TO gain more attention and approval? Consumer culture reinforces the need for external validation by promoting the idea that "projecting" a certain image or lifestyle will earn social approval.

Trap #4 ~ Need for Belonging

Altering your appearance or masking your true core values to gain more attention and approval? Historically, being part of a group was crucial for survival. Today, this need manifests as seeking validation from peers, strangers, family and society to feel a sense of belonging.

Trap #5 ~ Childhood Experiences

Feel anxious or depressed if you don't get external recognition after achieving a milestone or goal? Children who receive conditional love or approval may grow up to seek validation to feel worthy, leading to a lifelong pattern of seeking external approval to fill an internal void.

Impact of Over-Reliance on External Validation

When our self-esteem is contingent on others' opinions, it becomes unstable and dependent on external factors. This creates a vicious cycle where the temporary boost from external approval leads to deeper inadequacy when it's not received.

Although developing self-awareness about validation-seeking behaviors is a crucial first step, embracing self-compassion and accepting ourselves unconditionally, independent of external approval, is key to breaking the cycle.

If you enjoy posts like this, you might also enjoy my newsletter: Feeling Villainous. Inspired by the “villain era” movement, each weekly edition of Feeling Villainous offers insights, musings, and reflections on overcoming career stagnation and burnout by setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, embracing radical self-affirmation, and boldly pursuing opportunities that reflect your true worth and aspirations.

Need external approval to feel good about your achievements? Welcome to the club.

Explore the societal and psychological reasons behind the need for external validation and learn how to avoid validation-seeking behaviors.

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