Fade in: A bustling high school classroom, chalk dust in the air, students hunched over desks, pencils scratching furiously. The camera pans to me, standing at the front, guiding final-year students in some elite high schools through their last hurdles before graduation. I am not just a tutor here just like I do at the university – I am a witness to a quiet crisis. Teachers whisper about it in the staff room, their voices heavy with frustration: the “kababa and kamama” generation. That’s you, parents, the ones they say are raising kids so soft, they crumble at the first gust of life’s wind. I am here to talk to you, not as a critic, but as someone who sees the consequences and believes you can do better.

I have spent years teaching at university and now I am helping final-year high school students with tuition, preparing them for exams and, hopefully, for life. But what I have learned from teachers at this school has shaken me. They call you “kababa and kamama” parents - Swahili slang for those who coddle and overindulge, who smooth every path for their kids in the name of love. Your intentions are pure, but the results? Kids who lack grit, who expect the world to bend to their whims, who falter when faced with real challenges. I am not here to shame you. I am here to challenge you to rethink what love means, drawing on the wisdom of thinkers like Jonathan Haidt, Jordan Peterson, and Raquel Hopkins to show why tough love, structure, and consequences are vital for your children’s future.

Jonathan Haidt, in The Coddling of the American Mind (2018), argues that overprotective parenting creates “fragile” children unprepared for life’s inevitable setbacks. He points to the rise of “safetyism” - a cultural obsession with shielding kids from discomfort, physical or emotional. Haidt’s research shows that when you remove all struggle, you stunt intellectual and emotional growth. Your child needs to face challenges to develop what he calls “antifragility,” the ability to grow stronger through adversity (Haidt & Twenge, 2018). I see this in my students: the ones whose parents solve every problem for them often panic under exam pressure, while those raised with firm boundaries and consequences adapt and persevere. Are you fostering antifragility, or fragility?

Jordan Peterson, in 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos (2018), emphasizes the necessity of discipline and responsibility. He writes, “You must help [children] develop the capacity to bear the burden of existence” (Peterson, 2018, p. 137). Peterson argues that shielding kids from consequences - whether it’s excusing bad behavior or cushioning every failure - robs them of the chance to learn accountability. In my tutoring sessions, I notice students whose parents enforce clear rules at home show up prepared, focused, and resilient. Those raised without structure? They are often late, disorganized, and quick to blame others. Peterson’s rule #5, “Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them,” isn’t about cruelty - it’s about teaching kids to live in a world that won’t coddle them forever. Are you preparing your child for that world?

Raquel Hopkins, though less widely known, offers a powerful perspective on parenting through her work on cultural resilience. In her article “Raising Resilient Kids in a Risk-Averse World” (2020), she argues that overindulgence creates a “misplaced entitlement” that undermines character development. Hopkins draws on cross-cultural studies to show that communities emphasizing discipline and collective responsibility produce children who thrive under pressure (Hopkins, 2020). Growing up in a village myself, I experienced this firsthand. My father never said “I love you” - those words weren’t part of rural or my dad’s vocabulary- but his firm discipline, clear expectations, and insistence on consequences shaped me. I resented it as a kid, but now, as an adult, I see how it built my outlook, work ethic and resilience. Hopkins’ work reminds us that love without structure isn’t love - it’s indulgence.

The laws of the universe, as I tell my students, are unforgiving. Physics teaches us that paths of least resistance are natural, but growth comes from pushing against resistance. The maxim “no pain, no gain” isn’t just gym cliché—it’s a truth embedded in our reality. Newton’s third law, “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” applies not just to physics but to life. If you teach your kids that actions have no consequences, you set them up to crash against the world’s hard edges. Tough love - setting boundaries, enforcing rules, letting them fail and learn - equips them to navigate that reality. It’s not about being harsh; it’s about being honest about what life demands.

Haidt, Peterson, and Hopkins all point to a universal truth: negative experiences, when handled with guidance, forge strength. My village childhood wasn’t easy- there were what in town you call age-inappropriate chores, discipline, and no room for entitlement. But those hardships made me who I am, not perfect but looking back the experience serves me well. Your kids need some challenges; imagine they can handle challenges, possibly more than you can imagine. You want them to be strong, independent, able to survive on their own. But are you preparing them for this? By smoothing every path, solving every problem, or infantilizing them in the name of love, you’re denying them the struggles that build brain and character.

Fade out: I am back in the classroom, watching a student wrestle with a tough math problem. She’s frustrated but keeps going. Her parents didn’t solve it for her - they taught her to persist. That’s the kid who’ll thrive. Parents, you all want strong children. Stop the “kababa and kamama” approach. Embrace tough love, set boundaries, and let them face life’s resistance. Negative things - struggle, failure, consequences - develop strength. Give your kids the gift of resilience. They will thank you when they’re standing tall on their own.

References

Haidt, J., & Twenge, J. M. (2018). The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. Penguin Books.
Peterson, J. B. (2018). 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Random House Canada.
Hopkins, R. (2020). “Raising Resilient Kids in a Risk-Averse World.” Journal of Cultural Resilience Studies, 12(3), 45–62.

‘Kababa Kamama’ Parents Are Ruining Kids with Love!

&nbsp;Fade in: A bustling high school classroom, chalk dust in the air, students hunched over desks,

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Fade in: A bustling high school classroom, chalk dust in the air, students hunched over desks,