When women come to me for money coaching, they are often shocked by what I don't tell them to do.

If you are struggling with your finances or lacking a clear plan, the default solution is to restrict, trim, eliminate, and benchmark. There's a long list of "musts" to follow if you want to get out of your financial hole or on the path to a secure future.

• You must have a budget

• You must only spend on needs, not wants

• You must live within your means, regardless of what they are

• You must follow these generic rules of thumb

• You must make retirement savings your top priority

• You must get rid of all of your debt

These "musts" do indeed produce results. But are they sustainable and do they allow you to live your best life? If your gut has a negative reaction to these "musts", then they aren't for you.

I believe women deserve better than default solutions.

And I know this because I've tried them all. Feeling like I was restricted in any way made me revolt. Sure, sometimes I'd stick to my strict spending plan, and my cash flow would improve. But after a few weeks, I'd make one excess purchase, feel like a failure, and abandon the whole thing.

It took years to discover that there was a better way. One that allowed me to bask in financial bliss while working diligently towards my money goals. And about those goals? They were the unique output of a grandiose vision for my life, not some outdated rules of thumb.

Here's the approach I take:

• There's no need for a budget if you 1) give every dollar a job, 2) automate, and 3) have a pool of money that you can spend from without restriction

• Instead of asking if something is a "need," ask if it aligns with your vision and values - it's painless to minimize spending on the other stuff

• Women are insufficiently paid for their work - sometimes your means need to increase to accommodate your big life (not the other way around)

• Generic rules are for generic lives - your goals should be vision-driven

• Saving for the period after you stop working is important, but it isn't everything - tomorrow is never guaranteed, so your life today must be a priority

• Debt is not bad - our feelings about it (which are derived from society and our upbringing) can be bad and it's up to us to determine if/how we use debt to support our vision

The default solution produces quick results, but my solution creates a lasting transformation.

Sometimes quick is what you're looking for. And sometimes what you're actually seeking is a new relationship with money and a plan that you can really live with.