OWNING YOUR WORTH 101: SELF-ESTEEM

For years, I felt unworthy of love and belonging unless I was constantly improving myself.

In my early 20's, I took my 1st psychology class and learned that I can improve myself by learning new skills. I purchased dozens of self-help books and furiously read them to change who I was. I improved my skills and felt better about what I accomplished, but I always wondered, "Why do I still feel unworthy?"

The problem lied underneath my motivation to improve — I believed certain parts of myself were unworthy.

Here is 1 essential tool to help you learn how to find the healthy balance of improving yourself, while accepting who you are — curated from Mark Manson's Youtube Video "The Self-Improvement Paradox: When Getting Better Makes You Feel Worse".

ESSENTIAL TOOL: SELF-ESTEEM, WHAT IS IT?
Self-esteem is the quality of your relationship with yourself, which can impact what you do in life and your relationships.

Mark suggests that an accurate way to measure self-esteem is asking yourself:

• How tolerant are you of your flaws and low points in life?

People who have low self-esteem tend to have terrible relationships with themselves — for me, I tended to be hard myself when I failed at a goal or my insecurities showed up in social situations.

People who have high self-esteem can say "I know I'm a flawed and I failed at some things in life, but I'm still a good person and I can do better next time."

PARADOX: SELF-IMPROVEMENT VS SELF-ACCEPTANCE

Interestingly, self-improvement and self-acceptance contradict each other.

Self-improvement, by definition, is acknowledging that you're not good at something.

Self-acceptance is recognizing that you don't need to improve anything to be happy or loved.

So how does self-esteem come into play?

SELF-ESTEEM SOLUTION: BALANCING THE PARADOX

At a certain point, you need to let go of whether we win or lose, achieve or don't.

Yes, there will be times you'll thrive (e.g. you got a promotion, married).

Yes, there will be times you'll crash and burn (e.g. you got fired, divorced).

However, what underlies this all is the foundation of being ok with both accepting yourself and improving yourself — Whether you decide to improve or accept yourself, you can confidently say "I'm perfect as I am, and I can always be better" (Mark Manson).

Photo by Sebastiaan Stam: