Men are very good at being angry. Anger is an emotion in men that sits on the surface and is easy to access. When a man is angry, he sends a message that says, “leave me alone”.
Men often display their anger through shouting. But, of course, a strong silence can also be a demonstration of anger. Being angry can be an excuse for a man not to look closely at himself.
A man’s anger has several sources:
1. He needs to be right
2. His ego is wounded
3. His strength is threatened
4. His power is questioned
5. His body is wounded
6. He is feeling fearful
7. He is feeling sad
Ultimately a man can find any reason to be angry if he wants. No list of excuses will be exhaustive.
No amount of rational thought is possible when a man is swimming in anger. His emotions overwhelm him. His rage can feel powerful, which is reason enough to stay angry.
If a man has the maturity to recognise that he is angry, he can process his anger so it can be released. Having the maturity to look closely at anger means a man must recognise that the source of his anger is within him. An immature man will blame others for his anger.
This framework can be used to release anger and explore the deeper emotions that sit below. The process works best when facilitated by a trusted man.
Step #1: Look inside at what sits below the anger. A deep breath and a connection to where the anger sits in the body will often reveal fear and sadness. Recognising that anger masks emotions is the first step to overcoming it. Take your time to connect with your emotions and be gentle with yourself.
Step #2: Consider the data or the facts that surround the circumstances that led to feeling angry. Ask yourself who was involved and what happened. Write this information down; it helps to slow down the rollercoaster of emotions that might be going on. Facts only, no judgements about the people or the circumstances.
Step #3: Now you can get to the judgements. State to yourself or write down your judgements about the people and the events surrounding the circumstances that led to being angry. Don’t hold back on the judgements; stating them helps release the anger.
Notice how facts are separated from judgements. It is important to differentiate between the two.
Step #4: Interrogate how the anger is mostly your own rather than the result of the actions of others. In this step, you own your part in the circumstances surrounding your anger.
A man’s ultimate sign of maturity is to notice his anger, recognise that it is all his, and then release it. Holding on to anger is to sit in a place of weakness and victimhood.