Reader. Writer. Activist.Bird Nerd. Educator. Queer. Crip. Kinkster. Ginger. Jew. Philly Fan. Leader.Giver. Learner. Firebrand. I write about what I care about.
Fifty Shades of Grey is an erotic book series about a BDSM relationship.
It is the story of a handsome, emotionally-broken billionaire and a shy, inexperienced, pretty girl. He sees something in her that needs to be let free. She is drawn to him like a moth to a flame and can't help but want to fix him. He wins her over with gestures of grandeur and steals her away to his most intimate space in his home: his sex dungeon. This is a story of love.
I call bullshit. This story involves coercion, manipulation, mind games, avoidance, and non-communication.
Fifty Shades of Grey is a story of abuse, not BDSM.
Real BDSM is based on consent. Christian Grey habitually breaks into Anastasia's home to leave her gifts. He does this the day after they meet. And she is freaked out by it as anyone in their right mind ought to be! She did not consent to this!
The constant inner monologue from Anastasia is full of trepidation and a sense of walking on eggshells around Christian. She fears him. Healthy BDSM is not built on a foundation of fear but rather one of trust.
To believe that Fifty Shades is even slightly representative of BDSM, let alone healthy BDSM is dangerous to all members of the already-misunderstood and ostracized community. People will engage in the unsafe play they witness in the books, and it will cause lasting scars, both physical and emotional.
In any BDSM relationship, you should always be sure to employ the 4C's before engaging in any play.
They are easy to remember: Communication, Consent, Caution, and Care. If you account for all four, you have set yourself up to have a healthy BDSM experience or a way out of it if things do not go as planned.
Each of the 4C's is pretty straightforward, too.
Communication. Communication is always to be open, honest, and ongoing. Includes negotiation of kinks, limits, safewords, safety signs, rules, fears, consequences, expectations, and more, all to come to an agreement that all parties are content with.
Consent. More than just a yes. Use FRIES to remember that consent is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. I like to include that it is risk-aware, which functions as a piece of informed, but also personal responsibility oriented. Individuals must own their choice to engage and be confident in that decision despite the outcome.
Caution. You educate yourself about the safety of the practices you participate in, how a specific partner may react due to trauma, pain sensitivity, or other factors, and the risks and responses to potential issues. You keep safety gear and first aid materials on hand.
Care. You provide all parties aftercare that helps bring everyone back to a balanced, level headspace. Allow endorphins to come to appropriate levels, hydrate, treat bruises or wounds, and discuss emotions. Talk about what you liked or didn't like. Provide comfort and love to your partner and receive it in reciprocation.
Keep Communication, Consent, Caution, and Care at the center of your BDSM practice, and you will be much happier than the fictional couple we meet in E.L. James' abomination.