When I was about 27, a mentor & trainer, Ennio Salucci, gave me a trajectory-changing piece of advice.

At the time, I was going through a slow-motion breakup, and I was stretching into developing more emotionally strong relationships.

But that stretch, that adjustment, was slow moving.

Like most beginners, I was making a lot of mistakes like making my and others' emotions everything or making them nothing.

And then one day, Ennio said to me:

"Don't confuse intensity for intimacy."

The true goal is intimacy.

This challenged my belief that emotion was the foundation of relationship. The bigger the feelings a partner or I had, the more real it was. I was mistaken.

Intensity burns out, but intimacy burns deep.

I gave myself a hard look. I saw how often I self-sabotaged by making relationship decisions based on emotional intensity.

From then onward, I pursued relationships of emotional depth over emotional flash.

I started thinking about longtime friends and why I was friends with them. Those friendships are intimate relationship of mutual care & intimacy.

Eventually, a longtime friend and I dated long distance, SF to NYC.

There was a passion beyond intensity. Intimacy cultivated over 8 years of friendship.

A few years later, we made vows, and now I get to enjoy this intimacy with my friend-turned-wife daily.

(Even if our arguments can still be pretty intense!)

What's some advice you were given that unlocked a new way to build relationships?