I can count about how many days I’ve missed journaling this year between my fingers and toes.
Some entries were generic “Here’s what I did today….” entries. Other entries were lists of stuff I wanted to do. Some entries were interpreting the Tarot and Oracle cards I pulled. A lot, though, were reflections on parts of my life. Where I’ve been, where I am, and where I want to go.
I turned 50 at the start of 2025. I was freaked out by that number before it happened - the reality that there are almost certainly far fewer days ahead than there are behind me. Cue the midlife crisis - the panic about losing time, not making enough of my life, yadda yadda yadda… I think we all go through this at some point.
When I was a child, 25 seemed old. Then 50 sounded impossible.
Whelp. I reached impossible this year.
Once I crossed that age plane, however, I discovered that it was oddly liberating. A new decade meant that I was free to rediscover myself, to redefine myself, and to redirect myself. To get there, I had to do a lot of thinking about who I was, what I don’t like, and where I want to grow.
From multiple communities and sources, the same question to ponder comes up - How do I want to feel?
It seems like such an obvious question now that I look back on it. The reality though is that I’ve spent the last twelve years figuring out motherhood, dealing with peri- and then full menopause and all of the hormones that fly around with that poorly designed part of a woman’s lifetime, and added on top of it - a growing diabetic condition that was creeping in among the ugly hormone swings.
I’m grateful that I’m able to reflect on these things. Perhaps later than I should have - but I’m a firm believer that realizations happen when we’re both meant to learn them and when we’re ready to see them. That’s what happened to me at 50.
Perhaps there are far fewer days ahead than behind me, but I’ve been gifted the ability to direct my life how I want it to go, to find the happiness in the way I want to feel, and to embrace those dreams that have been fluttering around as tiny wishes… waiting for me to grab onto one of them.
~ Mel.