One obstacle to maintaining connection is kids refusing to cooperate.

We make a demand and they refuse or explode. Pushing back creates more disconnect, so we need alternatives. Working together will bring you closer.

Unfortunately, many parents don’t know how to collaborate.

Collaboration takes too long.

As parents, we believe we should be in charge. We don’t negotiate with kids. We are too busy to listen. And we’re too upset to respond calmly. All ways to ensure disconnection.

Cooperation connects us with our kids.

Know Your Expectations

You must be clear about what you expect.

Consider if your expectation is reasonable for your child’s skills. Did you clearly explain the expectation? Was your child of capable of meeting your expectation?

If they got upset or refused, then they couldn’t even if they have previously.

Slow Down and Listen

When we have timetable and chores, engaging cooperation is difficult.

We must move forward. Stopping to listen is a waste of time, we believe. Wrong! We must listen to the problem. You can discuss the struggle later. If strong emotions are present, it’s better to return to the subject during a calm period.

Pausing to ask “What’s up” changes your relationship.

Solutions

Connection and cooperation go together.

When we know our expectations and their struggles, we seek solutions. We might reduce expectations, be more present, or change our words. The necessary changes may be larger, an entire overhaul in routine, or expectations.

Finding a working solution takes time. The first solution may fail, so persistence is required.

Example from my life

Before collaboration

Kid playing video game, me writing. I notice it’s five minutes before expected bedtime and teeth aren’t brushed.

Me: It’s time to turn off the computer, brush teeth and get into bed.

Kid screaming: I guess I can’t finish this game. I never get to finish.

Collaboration steps

My expectations: Computer will be off and child will be in bed by 9:30. I lose track of time and my child excels creating delays.

My child’s needs: a longer warning and a chance to complete whatever game or video before brushing teeth and turning off the computer.

Solution: an alarm 10-20 minutes before expected bed time to prompt me. Then I ask “How long before you can turn off the computer and brush teeth?”

Result: earlier bedtime because the game takes less time than expected. We have more connection time because no one was upset. There are times I lose track of time and don’t hit my goal to prompt this transition earlier, so nights I miss the window, I have grace for myself and allow a later bedtime. Flexibility is priority for our relationship.

What was the last power struggle you engaged in? (Or a common one)

What is your expectation of the situation?

What part of the expectation did your child struggle with?

How can you change the situation to make it easier?

What ideas does your child have for easing the struggle?

3 Steps to Overcoming Lack of Cooperation

One obstacle to maintaining connection is kids refusing to cooperate. We make a demand and

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