When I was 23, a guy at my gym in NYC volunteered himself to make sure I was doing deadlifts correctly.
He gave me a thumbs up and exclaimed, “I didn’t know women did deadlifts!”
I was incensed.
I smiled sweetly, dropped the barbell harder than necessary, and responded, “Yeah! We can vote and everything!”
He was annoyed I didn’t graciously accept his “help.”
The male to female ratio in the weight room in 2010 was closer to 80/20, not 50/50 like now. Luckily, that’s less common in 2022. But the impact and reach of unsolicited help hasn’t slowed.
Unsolicited help undermines your agency, authority, and confidence.
It happens every time
Women correct a perfectly competent dad on parenting his child.
Bosses teach experienced employees how to “properly” send emails.
A relative instructs you to do what they did to overcome a similar challenge or crisis.
Two typical scenarios:
You know what you’re doing, and someone is surprised at your skill or knowledge because of their bias.
You’re coping with or learning something new, and the person “helping” is robbing you of your opportunity to grow.
Both are decidedly unhelpful.