I used to stress about small talks. People share with me their life experiences and challenges, but my problem is - I don’t know what to say afterwards.

So I ended up finding myself between:

judging people on their poor choices (but trying to disguise myself on the surface)
giving them advices on how to get out of the situations, but seemed to not land well for most of the cases
or, saying a few words of empathy and feeling uncompleted afterwards

Fairly, I have also been on the receiver side of these treatments. And I didn't like none of them: judgements break down my trust; advices make me feel unheard; hollow empathy makes me feel like speaking to a wall.

Having been on the giving and receiving sides of both of the responses. I wondered: what could be a more meaningful way of hearing others?

I learned a technique from a relationship teacher - Jason McGarva, which changed the trajectory of my relating to others.

It's called Reflective Listening.

Reflective Listening is a technique where we mirror back what someone had said. Not to prove that we have heard them, but to help them feel heard and understood.

Instead of rushing into giving suggestions or advices, Reflective Listening takes 3 major forms:

Reflecting back words

Example: If they said "I have been stretching a lot with work, family and other social responsibilities." Instead of introducing new words like "busy", "tired", "exhausted", we use their own words "I hear you have been stretching yourself a lot".
That way, we are not putting our words into the other person's mouth. Because while we may equate "stretching" with "busy-ness" or "tiredness", for another person, it might mean "growth" and "expansion".

Reflecting back emotions

Example: If they say "I'm so frustrated with the way he responded to my message", it would be helpful to reflect their emotions back to them: "I see how frustrating the situation can be for you."
Again, we are using their own words when it's offered, to make them feel seen and heard. Sometimes, the emotions may not explicitly named. For those cases, if we can read their feeling from their body language and facial expressions, and offer it back to them, it will make the person feel extremely understood.
Example: "When you speak about that event, I saw a little frown. Are there any things bothering you about that event?" Imagine, how you would feel when a friend noticed your unnamed concern and cared for it.

Reflecting back deeper values

When they say: "My project finally finished last week. But I didn't get any recognition, instead, I was immediately assigned a new project."
"I see that it's not just piling up projects, but it's pretty discouraging when you realize your efforts are not being valued."
By reading in between the lines and being able to reflecting back their values, we build a superpower to make the other person feel deeply resonated.

By starting a conversation with Reflective Listening, we are building trust with the other person - ensuring them we understand them deeply, before even attempt to jump into the solutions.

And you'll be surprised how often this is all there is. People often don't need advices or solutions from us. All they need is to feel seen and heard, feel someone understands them. Once that need is fulfilled, they can move forward into their own decisions and actions with full autonomy.

We are not saying "never give advices". Sometimes, advices are needed and invited. For those cases, share them without reservations. But, if we jump into solutions without even demonstrating understandings beforehand, the solutions can be like handing someone an umbrella in a snowstorm - they won't work.

(Image generated with DALL·E)

A Most Important Skill in Building Human Connections - Reflective Listening

Human-to-Human Connections: reflecting experiences and respecting autonomy.

The all-in-one writing platform.

Write, publish everywhere, see what works, and become a better writer - all in one place.