All mothers and daughters experience some degree of a power struggle.

Sometimes, it's overt. If you have a more controlling, authoritarian type of mother, you will inevitably experience some loss of self because the relationship will always revolve around her feelings and needs, and not yours.

But even in a more equal relationship, daughters can still feel unseen and unheard. In that case, your mother can strategically withhold care, but in subtler ways.

Bethany Webster calls this kind of indirect control "momipulation".

It's coersion cloaked in caring language, but with a potent dagger of anger underneath. Momipulation is quiet, but it hurts.

Here are some common examples of momipulation:

Example #1: Infantilizing comments, such as: "Did you iron that shirt?", "You look like you've gained some weight", or "I prefer your hair a different way".

Example #2: Being highly critical of a mistake you made in the past, and then regularly reminding you of it, even years later.

Example #3: Talking up your siblings or friends to you, while ignoring your own achievements.

Notice the subtle attempts to "put you in your place"?

I think one point to recognize is that your mother may not even realize she's doing this. The comments and actions come from a hurt place inside, because she feels invalidated too. She's trying to maintain the unequal dynamic to avoid her own feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness.

Not sure if you're struggling with "momipulation" yourself?

Here's one way to tell. How do you feel in your body after an interaction with your mother? Do you feel uplifted, relaxed, and assured, or depressed, irritable, and drained?

Let me know your experience in the comments.