Have you ever seen anybody completely lose their cool and thought to yourself… ‘Gosh what a jerk’?

As a security guard I was basically a jerk magnet. I would be as genuine as I possibly could be, as kind, warm-hearted and open as I was allowed… Yet bouncing gave me the belief that some people just want to be jerks.

After years supporting people in crisis I learnt to see beyond the limits of this bias, into the person beneath their pain.

First, I learnt about ‘flipping the lid’.

Author Dan Seligman has a super helpful way of thinking about the brain and getting triggered.

If you fold four fingers over your thumb, you can then flip your fingers up - exposing your thumb, or tuck your fingers back over - protecting your thumb. In the hand model of the brain your thumb represents the emotional part, your other fingers represent the rational part. When you ‘flip the lid’ the rational part of your mind literally goes offline, leaving the raw emotion processing brain exposed and making (usually bad) choices.

This is what makes it so easy to say things we regret during a big fight.

The hand model showed me someone's trauma isn't personal.

After learning and teaching the hand model of the brain I became way better in crisis.

By looking at someone's rude behaviour as an an unmet need I started to reframe what it means for someone to lose their cool and ‘flip the lid’. This deeper understanding has helped me in countless ways... From supporting friends and family through lifelong traumas, to helping people transcend limiting beliefs and even getting way more forgiving and generous with my own unrelenting standards.

Seeing how normal it is to 'lose it' made it much easier to choose how to respond rather than react.

All that said, there's a big difference between understanding and making excuses for. Tomorrow I'll share a story to illustrate why boundaries are critical.