“Monogamy was an idea created by the elite to control the middle class.”
This remark from one of the characters in White Lotus got me thinking if we’re monogamous by nature or if society forces us to choose the one for the rest of our lives.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. We’re monogamous
People are monogamous animals, but their monogamy is serial, explains Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist.
We tend to pair up with one spouse for a certain period of time and then find another partner. It’s natural.
Okay, but why do we cheat then?
2. We’re adulterous too
We have 3 different brain systems that are responsible for:
sex drive
feelings of intense romantic love
feelings of deep attachment
They are often connected to each other. But they aren’t always well-connected.
Hence, we can feel deeply attached to someone and then suddenly develop romantic feelings for someone else.
3. We love novelty
Both men and women are naturally drawn to novelty, says psychologist Chris Ryan. The desire to change the partner after a certain period of time is no one’s fault, he adds.
“It’s the fault of the clash between the sort of animal we are and the sort of society we've designed.”
A marriage shouldn't be threatened by flings because sex isn't the priority, says Ryan. The point of marriage is to get old, raise children, have stability and trust you can’t have in a short-term relationship.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel says people cheat even in happy marriages.
In the US, 50% of couples who cheat stay married*.
They cheat not because they want to find another partner, but because they want to reconnect with a different version of themselves, Perel explains.
More details in this video.