I saw a TikTok yesterday.

Someone was explaining their mother’s behavior to their therapist.

“She just doesn’t know. She doesn’t get it.”

The therapist stopped her.

“She’s 55. What do you mean she doesn’t know?”

The client tried again: “Some people are just oblivious—”

“No. Some people avoid their own behavior. They avoid accountability.

That’s because they do know.”

⸻

That hit me.

Because here’s what I’ve been doing:

Making excuses for people.

“They don’t realize.”

“They can’t help it.”

I believed it—because believing otherwise meant accepting they were choosing to hurt me.

That they’d rather play dumb, gaslight me, throw me under the bus—

than just take accountability.

⸻

But here’s what I’m realizing:

If you’ve told them more than once—they know.

At that point, “I didn’t know” is avoidance.

So what do you do instead?

Stop engaging with the excuse.

Not confrontational. Not emotional. Just neutral.

1. Name the pattern

“I’ve noticed this keeps happening.”

2. Acknowledge without agreeing

“That’s interesting.”

3. Let it hang

“Hmm. Okay.”

Don’t argue. Don’t explain.

You’re just signaling: I see what you’re doing.

⸻

You can’t make someone take accountability.

But you can stop pretending you don’t see the pattern.

And once you do?

The excuses lose their power.