Anna Seabourne 💙

Small talk is as welcome as COVID.

Good news! There are moments when small talk isn't just unnecessary - it's utterly avoidable. No need to make eye contact, think of a catchy question to embark on an unwanted conversation.

Here's a bulletproof, simple formula to determine when to dodge the small talk bullet.

FF + SO = Small Talk Required

• FF = you're sitting face-to-face, like in an interview or across a dinner table.

• SO = you have a shared objective: you're both at the same strategy meeting or attending the same cross-fit class.

Tick both elements and you need to start a conversation. Tick only one? Congratulations - you can stand down. No small talk required today!

In today's digital world, first impressions are made long before you enter the room.

Whether it's social media, your company website or a conference roster, a compelling photo can significantly influence others' willingness to invest time, energy, or money in you.

Here's how to make sure your profile picture works wonders:

1. Eye contact Forget your sunglasses and baseball caps. People need to see your eyes to build trust. Look directly into the camera.

2. Smile Genuinely Relax and smile as if you're in agreement with someone. A slight squint adds sincerity to your smile.

3. Fill the frame Crop the photo to show your head and shoulders. Avoid looking like a pinhead positioned in the centre of the frame.

4. Be well lit Shadows on the face will make you look suspicious. Take your picture in front of a window or in a well-lit spot. 

5. Colour Stand out from the tiles of blue, grey, and black with a flash of colour. Opt for a colourful background, or wear something colourful, but not both.

PRO TIP: Use corded earphones as a remote shutter if taking photos with your phone. It avoids constant resetting.

These tweaks will ensure your profile picture leaves a lasting, positive impression!

You know where you are with a number.

They're black and white, factual, and universally understood.

You can't argue with a number. So why not use them to start a conversation?

The next time you're grabbing a coffee, collecting your dry-cleaning, or even on a first date, try out this technique.

• THEM: Hi, how are you?

• YOU: Probably a 7 out of 10. How about you?

• THEM: Oh... maybe an 8 out of 10.

• YOU: What would make it a 9?

• THEM: Well, I'd love to ........

And that's your door of opportunity to take the conversation beyond the mundane.

They've just shared some precious personal information which you can follow up with a "sounds interesting, tell me more" if you have time, or simply wish them a "I hope you achieve that 9 soon!" if you don't.

Small talk, at the end of the day, is simply about making human connection. Let's keep it as simple as possible!

Good luck!

Long shrouded in mystery, charisma is actually more attainable than many believe.

Groundbreaking research from Princeton University has decoded charisma into 2 core elements.

The good news? You already possess with these qualities. It's just a matter of amplifying them.

Element 1 - Warmth

Warmth is the way you interact with others. You radiate warmth when you smile genuinely, exhibit open body language, and truly listen to others. The warmer you are, the more they feel seen, heard, and valued.

Element 2 - Competence

The second element is competence which is further broken down into 2 components:

• Knowing what you're doing: Whether you're a creator, a leader, or a technician, mastering your role is key.

• Performing Excellently: Success is measured by the positive impact you have on others.

You can therefore cultivate charisma in all aspects of life. Wherever you are and whatever your role, the secret is to do it well, and with warmth. According to science - that is charisma.

Spontaneous Speaking

Introverts instinctively think before speaking. Small talk demands a more spontaneous style, which doesn't work for introverts.

• SOLUTION: Have a handful of 'filler phrases' to buy time to think.

Deep v broad conversations

Introverts love deep conversations. Small talk tends to be broader and more shallow, which is a turn off for most introverts.

• SOLUTION: Ask people what they love talking about & go from there.

Talking is Tiring

Talking & interacting are extroverted pursuits. Constant conversation soon empties the introvert battery.

• SOLUTION: Talk less by asking more questions.

Prefer 1-1 conversations

Introverts are more comfortable speaking with one person than entertaining a crowd.

• SOLUTION: Seek out fellow introverts. You'll usually find them hanging alone near the refreshments.

1 - A bridge

A bridge linking 2 lands: one where everyone is a stranger & the other where everyone knows each other & is relaxed. You cannot enter the second place without crossing the bridge. The bridge exists at the start of every relationship we have.

2 - A waltz

You can't waltz alone. The dance depends on both of you for it to succeed. While both of you are active throughout, sometimes you take more of the weight & sometimes your partner does. However, if either one of you doesn't put the effort in, the conversation will suffer.

3 - A game of tennis between a coach & beginner

The goal is to keep the rally going. As coach, you help your opposite number to return the ball. Since you know nothing about them, it's best to serve them easy questions to get them talking so that a genuine conversation can emerge.

1. Independent Introverts are naturally more independent and can work well on their own without needing constant supervision or guidance. They are often better at focusing on tasks without getting distracted.

2. Good listeners Introverts tend to be good listeners and can absorb information effectively. This can be beneficial when working in teams, collaborating on projects and developing client relationships.

3. Reflective Introverts are generally more reflective and thoughtful, which can lead to deeper insights and a more nuanced understanding of complex issues. They can play an important role in making important decisions.

4. Creative Introverts often have rich inner lives and are naturally more creative. This can be a real asset in fields such as graphic design, writing, or marketing, but can bring a different perspective to problem solving.

5. Empathetic Introverts are often more empathetic and can put themselves in other people's shoes. This is essential for team building, leadership, and managing customer relationships.

Some people still have the wrong impression about introverts.

Having helped over 1000 clients understand their personality as a personality profiler, I can confirm that introverts can only fully realise their potential (and I speak as one) once they've overcome any misunderstanding they have about what introversion truly means.

Here are the 3 misconceptions I have to correct the most. 

1 Introverts are anti-social

It’s true that introverts enjoy their own company, but they also enjoy meeting up with friends. Social interaction tends to drain us so prefer intimate gatherings of up to 4 people rather than crowded meet-ups.

2 Introverts are quiet

While extroverts who need process life through interacting with the outside world, introverts experience life internally. If you were able to stick a microphone inside an introvert's head, you'd hear something akin to a bionic pinball machine for all the thoughts flying around.

3 Introverts are shy

They’re not shy: they just dislike small talk. Introverts prefer deep conversations on subjects they have a passion for over the tenuous search for something in common that chatting with strangers involves.

Hands up if you've ever had to endure a badly devised 'icebreaker'?

That makes 2 of us! Coming from the learning & development arena, I have witnessed the good, the bad, and even one ugly episode where people walked out they were so offended.

So here is a tried & tested exercise that delivers its promise to break the ice but - no embarrassment or awkwardness.

Objective

Get people to stand in line in order of their birthdays.

Instructions

1. "When I say 'GO' order yourselves via your birthdays, from January 1st over here to December 31st over there."

2. Ask: "How long shall I give you?" They'll guess about a minute.

3. Say: "I think you're better than that! I'm going to give you 10 seconds!"

4. Continue: "Are you ready? Let's countdown: 3-2-1-go!"

In action

Everyone will burst into action checking months and days with each other. You countdown from 10 to maintain the frenzy in the room.

Once you call time, have everyone state their birthday and then after give them a round of applause. The ice will be well and truly broken!

1. Bias against the crowd These people have nothing they can teach me. What's the point of even being here? There's going to be nobody here worth talking to. I may as well go home.

2. Imposter syndrome Everyone seems much more professional, intelligent, and sophisticated than me. I don't belong here. Why did I even think I would fit in here?

3. Arrogance I don't do small talk. I'm an introvert. I like deep conversations. I'm better than this. I should just go home because I'm not going to find anyone interesting to talk to here.

4. Boredom Everything here is so boring: the event, the venue, the people, the topic. Why am I even here? I could be at home watching TV instead of dying of boredom.

5. Fear What if I open my mouth and nothing comes out? I'll look like an idiot, and then everyone will laugh at me so I'll just hide here in the toilets for a while longer!

Which one sounds most familiar to you?!

Your ancestors live on today through many of your instinctive habits:

1. Self-protection gene Your brain is wired to protect you thanks to your ancestors who were constantly vigilant of their surroundings and reactions. Your brain continues this today, and alerts you with nerves when it senses danger, warning you to proceed carefully.

2. Craving for status Your ancestors learned that more status led to a better quality of life. The strongest ones got better food, more attractive mates, and lived longer as a result. These days status can be measured in multiple ways - qualifications, job titles, neighbourliness - although not all help will help you live longer.

3. Sweet tooth Your ancestors would eat honey and fruit to help them ward off starvation. A rare treat, they learned to seek these foods out to give them energy and help them live longer. This gene persists to this day as a fondness for chocolate and all things sweet!

It's not easy to be your most authentic self.

Especially when the world is persuading you otherwise: be more productive, motivated, or goal-oriented.

But anytime you feel like changing who you are, just turn back to these 6 simple quotes (to remind you to be true to yourself):

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." Joseph Campbell

Only you gets the opportunity to be you: make the most of it!

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Steve Jobs

Life is short. Concentrate your time on being you.

"If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You are who you are. Make the most of your strengths and talents.

"Do not be awe struck by other people and try to copy them. Nobody can be you as efficiently as you can." Norman Vincent Peale

You can do you better than anyone else can.

"Don’t be afraid of being unique. It’s like being afraid of your best self." Donald Trump

Your best self is unique to you, like your fingerprint.

Confidence is built on data.

The more you have, the more confident you will be. Here are 3 strategies to ensure you arrive as informed as possible.

#1 Checking the weather

There's nothing worse than feeling too hot or too cold. Check local weather forecasts and webcams to answer the following questions:

• What will the temperature be?

• Will you need to take a coat or umbrella?

• Which clothes will give the best impression yet comfortable?

#2 Knowing what you'll be carrying

• What do you need to take?

• What might you be given at the event?

• How will you hold it if you have to chat while holding a coffee?

#3 Familiarise yourself with the venue

• Where is it and how will you get there from home?

• Where's the nearest car park and how close is it to the venue?

• What coffee shops are nearby if you need to grab some breakfast?

You know you best. Do what you need to, to feel calm & confident.

You'll never hear this question the same way again.

It's an easy question to ask but are they really interested in how you spend your 9-5? Here are 3 power moves people are playing with you:

Are you more powerful than me?

Does this influence how they might treat people of 'lower status' jobs? Sure bank managers and architects enjoy social respect but during COVID life was held together by supermarket workers, delivery drivers and vaccination centre volunteers.

Are you smarter than me?

Intelligence is sexy but it's context-dependent. Society regards lawyers as intelligent but their knowledge is no use when your boiler is broken and you don't have the expertise to fix it so you have to rely on someone else rescuing you in order to feel warm once more.

Are you richer than me?

A black and white measure of success but not of automatic happiness. Professions that are well-paid are regularly ranked as the most stressful. Wealth can be measured through having abundant free time, robust health, or enjoying a strong sense of community.

1 Stand tall Tall people are perceived as more confident and more successful. To appear taller, imagine a string pulling upwards through your body and out of your head. Then think about resting your jaw on an imaginary wall. This lifts your face while opening your airway enabling you to breathe more freely.

2 Look around You can spot a nervous person because they look frozen. Instead, allow yourself to look around, in the same way a lighthouse moves. If you catch someone's eye, give them a gentle smile - they'll often smile back.

3 Smile Strangers always look at the face first to decide if you are friendly or not. A gentle smile like the Mona Lisa will soon put them at ease. That way, you can 'dial up' your smile to show agreement or enjoyment later on in the conversation.

4 Breathe Nerves prevent you from making rational decisions. To calm yourself, inhale for 4 seconds & exhale for 6. Exhaling lowers your blood pressure & slows your heartbeat and the counting switches your brain from an emotional state to a rational one.

5 Shine People are attracted to everything that appears full of life. Anything that reflects light is regarded as healthy and attractive. Add shine into your appearance: comb your hair, shine the toes of your shoes, and make sure your glasses are smudge-free.

The internet is flooded with misinformation about introverts.

As a confirmed introvert, & personality profiler who's worked with over 1000 clients since 2005, I find myself having to correct the same misunderstandings again & again to ensure clients are fully up to speed with who they are, and equally important, who they are not.

The misconceptions I find myself having to correct are:

❌ Introverts are always quiet Introverts enjoy a rich inner world, full of thoughts, ideas and dreams. If you were to stick a microphone inside one of our heads, you'd hear something akin to a bionic pinball machine for all the thoughts flying around.

❌ Introverts are anti-social It’s true that introverts enjoy our own company, but we also enjoy meeting up with friends. Social interactions drain us so we prefer gatherings of up to 4 people rather than subject ourselves to crowded meet-ups.

❌ Introverts are shy We're not shy: we just dislike small talk. Introverts prefer deep conversations over superficial small talk that dances from one subject to another in search for a topic in common. Get us on the right topic and we're happy to talk late into the night.

The next time you hear these stereotypes, do me a favour and pass this information on!

Small talk is as popular as toothache.

But like dentist visits and completing your taxes, it's a fact of life. And when you consider it's the essential social function that transforms us from strangers to friends, lovers and more, it's worth finding a way to finally embrace it.

Experiment with these different analogies:

It's a bridge...

...which links you directly from Strangerland to Friendstown. The time on the bridge depends on how committed each party wants to spend there. The more inquisitive you are, the quicker it is to cross the bridge.

It's a dance...

...where both dancers work together for the dance to work. Each will take it in turns to go forwards (speaks) while the other dances backwards (listens). Each depends on the other for the dance to work.

It's a game of tennis...

...with the aim of maintaining a long rally. Therefore, the players serve each other easy shots that their opponent can return easily. Ask easy questions that make it easy for opponent to respond happily.

In my twenties, I feared others might consider me boring.

It prompted a lifelong mission to be anything but! Recently I discovered that scientists have started researching this and can tell us exactly what people consider boring!

The top 3 types of people we consider most boring are:

1 The person who expresses no interests or opinions Conversations are like tennis - a constant back and forth between each side. When one party is silent, they're not 'playing the game'.

STRATEGY - Try using silence to coax them to talk more.

2 The person who talks too much Neglecting to involve the other person in the conversation reveals a lack of respect for the listener or for the moment in hand.

STRATEGY - Move to ask questions more frequently than normal to interrupt their flow.

3 The person who is negative Life is hard enough without speaking with someone full of doom and gloom. Humans are naturally drawn to optimistic and science shows they live longer too.

STRATEGY - Ask the speaker what they are looking forward to.

In summary: Share your thoughts and ideas, allow you partner time to talk, and be positive.

Ever listened to someone & thought they were talking a load of hot air?

Turns out that the brains of introverts and extroverts are wired differently. We need different things to feel satisfied: we introverts like time alone in our heads while extroverts thrive in the outside world.

Here's what that looks like:

#1 Extroverts talk before processing their thoughts

Unlike the considered opinions that introverts finally share with the world, extroverts have no filter. They literally say whatever comes into their heads, often putting their foot in their mouth along the way!

#2 Extroverts prefer a breadth of conversation

Extroverts need newness to keep their brains stimulated so you will see them happily hop from one subject to another which makes them ideally suited to small talk types of conversations.

#3 Extroverts share all their secrets

Be careful of who you share your top secret "don't tell a soul' type of information because despite their best efforts, extroverts are likely to blurt it out in a fit of enthusiasm.

Forewarned is forearmed!