When I was 16, my sarcastic Dad exposed me to an invaluable lesson I'd later use to help myself and other high performing leaders maximize their leadership impact and unblock their team's performance.
Growing up was all about skill-acquisition and getting tested on my own capabilities and knowledge. All of that programming is hard to let go of and that's why stepping up in leadership feels hard.
Looking back, my Dad had the answer, and he offered it up every time I asked a question.
"Ask Better Questions"
"Hey Dad, Do you want a tea, or a coffee - I'm putting the kettle on?"
"Yes please!"
"Ok, so which is it!!!"
In responding to my frustration he'd simply tell me to ask a better quality question. I'd dance the dance and we'd end up with the exasperated, "What do you want to drink?".
"Orange juice please". !!!
Really?! Every single time. It was exhausting. And it was my own fault.
Not all questions are creation equal
My question was clearly low-quality.
closed question limits possible answers & constrains creativity
High-Quality Questions
In contrast the impact of high-quality questions can be transformational. These questions have specific qualities.
open-ended
short (4-6 words)
invite exploration, creativity, new possibilities
begin with 'what' or 'how' (never ever 'why')
about the person, not the topic
come from a place of curiosity
Top Tips
Avoid "why". It shouts judgement and curtails exploration. It usually makes the question about you, rather than being in service of the other.
The fewer words the better. Humans are meaning-making machines (only humans seek out meaning where there is none).
Ask 1 question at a time, and then shut the hell up.
Sit in the discomfort of the silence that follows and don't speak. Your colleague is working hard on thinking about the answer so don't interrupt them.
Drop your judgement and get curious about the other person.
Experiment with asking better quality questions and observe the impact!