Skye Aspden

After 38 laps around the sun, setting a boundary remained as mysterious to me as a black hole – utterly baffling and, for the longest time, beyond my understanding.

I can tell you this. Setting boundaries instead of demands is a delicate balancing act. Often, the act of doing so leaves us wondering if we're drawing lines or building walls.

After two hard years of drawing them, I can report the following...

"Here lies the edge of my universe; tread carefully."

• Setting boundaries is a personal declaration of your limits and what you can tolerate, inwardly focused on what keeps your emotional garden blooming.

• On the flip side, making a demand is like telling someone else how to tend their garden while neglecting your own. It's about changing someone else's landscape to suit your view, often disregarding their right to grow daisies where you prefer roses.

"I'll wear my own raincoat in the storm, thank you very much."

• When we talk about boundaries, we're talking about taking responsibility for our well-being. It's not about controlling the weather but about keeping yourself dry.

• In contrast, a demand is more like trying to dictate the forecast, believing that if only it were sunnier, your day would be better. It's an external force, like trying to command the clouds, which, let's face it, have a mind of their own.

"Your fence, my fence; your tulips, my roses."

• The intent behind setting boundaries is to create a respectful environment for yourself and others. It's about knowing where your yard ends and someone else's begins.

• Demands, however, often lack this respect. They're like trying to dictate the colour of the tulips next door because you don't like yellow.

So, the next time you find yourself drawing a line, ask yourself:

Is this a boundary that nurtures my garden or a demand trying to landscape someone else's?

Quote of 2024, thus far, and one that will get a lot of mileage.

C.S. Lewis's profound statement, is a powerful reminder of the role we play in our own suffering. It's a vivid illustration of how, often, the turmoil and agony we experience are not imposed upon us by external forces but are a result of our own making. Personally, I think it boils down to: radical responsibility.

Embracing radical responsibility is like discovering that the key to our self-made prison has been in our possession all along. It's an empowering and daunting realisation. We're the victim and author of our narrative. The flames of despair that we perceive around us are, in truth, fuelled by our actions, choices, and perceptions.

However, this isn't a bleak outlook. On the contrary, it's a liberating one. Recognising our role in creating our 'hell' also means acknowledging our power to extinguish it. The moment we understand this, a transformative process begins. We're no longer trapped in a cycle of blame and helplessness. Instead, we become agents of change in our own lives.

The journey out of this inferno starts and ends with us. It's about acknowledging our mistakes, learning from them, and making conscious choices to do better. By doing so, we not only free ourselves from the chains of our own making but also open up pathways to healing and growth.

In essence, the gates of hell may indeed be locked from the inside, but we've always had the key. It's about choosing to use it.

After a heartbreak that turned my world upside down, I discovered a powerful lesson about love and perception.

In my quest to understand, I poured my confusion into pages almost daily for six months. Reflecting on these notes now, it strikes me that in love, you only learn by walking the path. Until then, nothing anyone tells you is applicable.

As with many of life's pursuits, no more so than in love, The Map is not the Territory!

1. Communication and Misinterpretations: Communication in relationships often involves interpreting what our partner says or does. However, our interpretation (the map) might not accurately reflect their intentions or feelings (the territory). So, when your partner says 'fine,' it's often as clear as mud – a classic case of map-territory misalignment, where 'fine' might actually mean anything from 'I'm actually okay' to 'Prepare for the storm.'

2. Change Over Time: Just as maps can become outdated, our understanding of our partner and our relationship can become outdated as people grow and change over time. Regularly updating our "maps" by staying attuned to these changes and maintaining open communication is crucial for the health of the relationship. Remember, relying on an outdated map of your partner is like using a floppy disk in a smartphone world – charmingly retro but spectacularly unhelpful.

3. Limitations of Beliefs and Expectations: Our beliefs and expectations about relationships often serve as maps. However, beliefs are inherited from how we've seen love modelled by our parents/friends/society & they might not align with the reality of our relationship. Navigating love with these inherited maps is like following a recipe for fish and chips to make a dessert – you're in the kitchen, but you're not cooking the right dish.

4. Conflict Resolution: During conflicts, acknowledging that there might be different perspectives (maps) of the same issue (territory) can foster empathy and more effective conflict resolution. It's like realising that the treasure map you're arguing over might lead to a chest of gold or a box of old socks – perspective is everything.

5. Avoiding Complacency: Just as relying too heavily on a map without observing the actual territory can be dangerous, taking a relationship for granted based on past experiences can lead to complacency. Continuously engaging with and responding to the present state of the relationship is key. Treating a relationship like an unchanging map is like expecting your old Nokia 3310 to run the latest apps.

In the end, steering through the love is like using a compass in the Bermuda Triangle, so let's keep our wits sharp and our laughter ready – because sometimes, the real treasure is a good giggle at the absurdity of it all!

Self-Sabotage 101

For the past decade, I've been an expert in the art of self-sabotage.

Then I realised the secret to exiting this roundabout of regret:

Honouring my agreements. Let's delve into this revelation together, shall we?

1. Inventory of Broken Promises: Ask yourself, what promises have you made to yourself and then cheerfully ignored? Get as specific as possible.
   For example, "I repeatedly break my vow to 'X' because it stirs up the 'Y' emotion and instead I do 'Z' action"

2. Authenticity Check: Now, are these agreements genuinely yours, or are they like hand-me-down clothes from others? It's tough to figure out what we want to want. It's time to declutter your mental wardrobe and ditch the aspirations others have generously donated to you.

3. External Agreement Audit: How often do you break promises to others? Jot down the specifics – what were these promises, and how do you think it made others feel? More crucially, how did you feel?

After this exercise, you'll likely find that your self-agreements are as oversized as a clown's shoes. It's time for a trim. Give them a haircut. Start with more manageable, bite-sized promises. These are like training wheels for trust. Gradually, as you honour these mini-agreements, you'll build momentum. Before you know it, you'll be keeping promises you never dreamed possible.

That's seriously all it takes.

As a kid, my math skills were as worn out as my skateboarding shoes, but life has a funny way of teaching us that numbers do more than just add up.

Growing up, I thought equations were just for chalkboards and test papers, not for mapping our lives. Yet, as I stumbled through adulthood, I realised that life’s essence is often captured in the simplest math. From the pains of disappointment to the quest for inner peace, these formulas are the code of our journeys.

Exploring these equations uncovers the humour & truth in our struggles:

Disappointment = Expectations - Reality.

Doff of the cap to Chip Conley, who inspired this essay. Chip points out that we think too far into the future and build up unrealistic expectations, which saddens us when reality hits home. It's trite, but focus on the journey and not the destination!

Inner Peace = Acceptance of Self / Desire to Please Others

Achieved when your self-acceptance is inversely proportional to your FOMO. HINT: Sit with emotion, meditate & breathe. Tick! Well done, dearest, you aced that one!

True Being = Identity - (Societal Expectations + Family Conditioning + Peer Influences).

Who you are, what you need and what you want - your true essence - results from a complex algebra problem we didn't sign up for in "adulting school." I'm only figuring this out now at 40. HINT: Drop the programming to get this one right!

Love for Others = Self-Love × Understanding:

The more we understand our shit, the more we see others valiantly grappling with their shit, the better we are at extending compassion and love to others. HINT: Once you've put your oxygen mask on, help others do the same!

In conclusion, as we go through life, it's like those crib notes we once slipped into our pockets for a test (not that I'm confessing to anything!), but in life, these helpful hints aren't hidden. They are right there for us to see every day. We don't need to cram or stress. The answers we seek are often right in front of us, waiting to be noticed and understood.

Imagine achieving everything you've ever dreamed of, only to realise it's not your desired answer...

I just finished reading "11 Reasons Not to Become Famous" by Tim Ferris. It made me think about how doing anything in the public spotlight will garner attention, money and possibly fame. It'll also get you things you never knew you didn't want!

The Irony of Audience Growth:

In crafting messages that resonate deeply with us, we unknowingly build bridges to others. Yet, as our circle widens, it stretches beyond our control, drifting into an unknown expanse where not all intentions are benign.

The Escape Velocity of Success:

Like a rocket breaking free from Earth's grasp, the pursuit of success launches us into a realm where adoration and scrutiny orbit equally. It's a space where the stars of admiration shine alongside the black holes of criticism.

Rethinking the Dream of Success:

Is our collective chase for success, love, and adoration a journey toward fulfilment or a descent into an endless craving? What if the finish line of this race only leads to a realisation that the prize isn't what we truly seek?

Tim concludes the piece brilliantly:

"Like the man gifted a Bugatti complaining about gas mileage, sometimes what we yearn for comes with costs we never anticipated." In Ferriss' words and experiences, we find a cautionary tale about the actual price of our dreams.

Yesterday, I think I met my future for the first time.

It all began with a simple swipe, a gesture bridging thousands of miles, leading to three months of text exchanges. Our first face-to-face meeting was a revelation of ease and laughter. This wasn't your typical "Netflix and chill" comfort but the fluffy bliss of your favourite hoodie warmth after an invigorating ice bath.

As we shared wine and stories, our contrasting personalities played: her subtle extroversion contrasted with my louder disposition, and our banter was as refreshing as the cool side of a pillow. Our chats, often amusingly lost in translation between Ukrainian and South African nuances, were hilarious (I snorted and laughed occasionally), to the evident annoyance of anyone sitting next to us.

We chose a slow pace, a novel approach in my usually hasty dating life, indicating a healthy change and perhaps something deeper and more meaningful. Her quirks – like a slightly crooked tooth and perilously long lashes that could remove an eye with each kiss - have got me!

Her 'unique' tastes – from well-done steaks (say it ain't so!) to herring specialities ("You eat the privates of a fish?!) and Russian-subtitled series – added layers to our unfolding story.

In this unexpected tale of swipe to subtitles, I found a potential future and a reminder of life's serendipity. Meeting her has left me excited and overly excited for 2024, promising new laughter, learning, and perhaps, love.

Integrity: It's like underwear, essential but not always visible.

It isn't just an annoying buzzword your yoga instructor throws around. It's the silent engine under your life's hood, keeping things running without smoke. Let's dissect this mystical concept...

What it means to live with it, without it, and how to find it when it decides to play hide and seek.

1. Being in Integrity: Like Wearing Matching Socks

   • Ever had those days when your socks match? That's integrity. Your thoughts, words, actions - all singing in tune.

   • When your life feels less like a bad sitcom and more like a well-orchestrated Broadway show.

2. The Great Integrity Escape: Life’s Plot Twist

   • Let's talk about when integrity packs its bags and leaves. Suddenly, you're the star of a reality show you never auditioned for.

   • Realizing you’re off-course is half the battle, though. The other half? Well, it's not just eating ice cream straight out of the tub. Action must follow...

3. U-Turn to Integrity: The Road Less Confused

   • Finding your way back to integrity isn't rocket science. It's more like untangling headphones – annoying but doable.

   • It's about pausing that hamster wheel in your head. Try meditation, go for a walk, or grab dinner with a friend. Choose actions that feel less like selling your soul and more like buying back your peace of mind. That’s your U-turn.

Conclusion: Navigating integrity is like being in one of those bizarre dreams - it's confusing, sometimes funny, and full of unexpected turns. That’s the adventure, right? So, wear your integrity like your favourite hat – with confidence and maybe flair. And remember, even on days when it feels like it’s on holiday, it's probably just waiting around the corner, ready to jump back in.

For a long time, I believed that my thoughts and reflections were an accurate representation of reality. But one pivotal moment changed everything. I realized that my thoughts were just that - thoughts. They were not necessarily true, and they certainly didn't have to dictate my emotions, attitudes, behaviours, or results.

Domino #1: Thoughts

Thoughts are the starting point, but they don't have to be the end. They can be observed and let go of, rather than clung to and allowed to dictate our experiences.

Domino #2: Emotions

Emotions are a response to our thoughts, but they don't have to control us. By observing and accepting our emotions, we can let them pass through us without getting stuck.

Domino #3: Attitude

Our attitude is shaped by our thoughts and emotions, but it's not fixed. We can choose to adopt a more positive and growth-oriented attitude.

Domino #4: Behavior

Our behaviour is influenced by our attitude, but it's not predetermined. We can choose to act in ways that align with our goals and values.

Domino #5: Results

Our results are a reflection of our behaviour, but they're not the only thing that matters. By focusing on our process and growth, we can find fulfilment and satisfaction regardless of the outcome.

The next time you feel a strong emotion pulling you down, recognize the thought behind it. Close your eyes, breathe into it, and let the emotion subside. Don't give in to the first domino - choose to take control of your chain reaction.

I woke up cold, shaking and alone.

An important relationship had come to an end, and I had spent the past week in bed. Empty wine bottles and pizza boxes stared back at me, mocking my evident pity party. I had hit emotional rock bottom.

That was until I learned what I already knew but never had the guts to put into action...

Real enjoyment in life comes from people and lasting memories, not the solo buzz.

The solo buzz is a fleeting shadow of joy.

True enjoyment comes from shared moments and enduring memories. It's in the laughter, the stories, and the memories with friends that linger. Shared experiences and collective histories.

Real happiness is found in community, not in solitary revelry.

Finding true contentment is finding satisfaction in life's achievements and inner peace.

Contentment isn't a race; it's an achievement that you define.

In the calm after the storm, I found satisfaction in appreciating life's small victories. It's about embracing the peace in our accomplishments and our efforts. Tranquillity is contentment that comes from within, unshaken by the world's chaos.

Our moments of quiet triumph will bring us joy.

Defining your purpose will transform everyday existence into a life of significance.

Purpose guides us to significance.

It's in the little things, the small acts, the daily routines that our purpose takes shape. Through this lens, every day transforms from mere existence into a narrative of significance, a story we author with intention.

In defining purpose, we live with intention, which invites the extraordinary.

External tranquillity doesn’t guarantee internal peace. A Zen-like environment is meaningless if our minds are mired in toxic relationships or unfulfilling pursuits. The essence of fulfilment, as Robert Persick in "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" suggests, is the peace we bring into our experiences, not what we find there.

I'm beginning to realise that this journey of fulfilment doesn't require a clear roadmap; it unfolds through listening to and acting upon internal impulses without being fixated on specific outcomes. Listening to these inner nudges, it feels that, for the first time, I am gradually navigating towards the life I envision. Challenges, including those of my inner emotional texture, are pushing me into realms of untapped potential.

Fulfilment comes from engaging in purposeful activities that resonate with the core. Whether through service, nurturing relationships, or pursuing passions, these endeavours provide a sense of satisfaction that transcends external achievements.

To discover this path, one must follow curiosity, even if it leads to unconventional choices. Overcoming the fear of judgment is crucial; it’s about prioritising the inner voice over societal expectations.

This journey requires courage to step out of the norm, but the reward is a life lived authentically, guided by a deep sense of purpose - or at least I hope. 🤞

Your spouse is the most important decision: the person who chooses to see you naked an infinite amount of times and watch the ravages of time take its toll on your already cottage cheese ass will also be your rock - choose each other wisely.

Choose yourself: make sure that you show up for yourself. Heal (including that tendency to laugh at your jokes) and dial in your health so you can show up effectively for others.

Stop listening to other arseholes: everyone’s got one, but your tea towel holder is yours; it’s unique, and you should enjoy the sounds yours makes.

Hair is cool: but does anyone know why I struggle to grow a beard, yet I have a bunch of thick hair now growing in the ball of my back—answers on the back of a postcard.

Your circle will shrink: this is great because you are now spending time with the people who really matter and who survived your unintentional ‘filter’. Thankfully, Chad and Karen didn’t make it. **sigh of relief**

Remember: Of all the fiery balls in the sky, our sun is the best one (in my opinion), but one day, it will implode and devour the entire solar system. Nothing ULTIMATELY matters. So stop letting memories of stupid shit illicit emotions of shame, fear or embarrassment. This is your invitation to let go and shine.

PS: The only thing stopping you from doing the thing is you. So get at it.

PPS: I love you x

There are a zillion books out there on finding your inner zen, navigating the maze of your mind, and basically trying not to lose it in this wild world.

And, believe it or not, I’ve braved the self-help section and survived to tell the tale.

But the one book that didn't make me roll my eyes? "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer.

Here's why it's my self-help superhero:

• Actually Useful Stuff: This book's got more practical advice than my grandfather on a fishing trip. It's like a Swiss Army knife for your brain.

• It's a Life-Changer, Seriously: Changed my life more dramatically than my first espresso. I went from mental chaos to inner sitcom.

• You’re Not Your Crazy Thoughts: Big reveal – we're not our neurotic thoughts or moody blues. Mind = blown.

• Even My Pitbull Could Get It: It's written so simply, even my pitbull, Zuri, could get a spiritual awakening from it.

• It Saved My Sanity (No Joke): This book was like a lifeboat in my personal Titanic. It taught me to feel emotions, without going all ‘Titanic’ about them. (Jack doesn’t die in this version).

In all seriousness, "The Untethered Soul" was the game-changer for me. After 38 years of emotional autopilot, it was like finally meeting a personal healer who knew all the right questions. It's not just a book; it's a journey to rediscovering the world and myself with fresh, hopeful eyes. It's the wise mentor I never knew I needed.

“They didn’t love me for who I am” - words uttered with very little self-reflection, heard the world over, whenever a relationship comes to an end.

“Shame on them; you’re better off without them” - the peanut gallery convinces their crestfallen comrade in a pity puddle worthy of a puke bag.

What our poor antagonist (and their band of sullen troops) misses is that deserving to be loved for our whole selves implies a level of perfection and completeness that is simply unrealistic. In reality, we are all imperfect and constantly evolving individuals. Therefore, it may be more realistic and meaningful to focus on loving and being loved for specific qualities or aspects of ourselves.

This approach acknowledges that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that we are all works in progress. It also allows for a more authentic and genuine form of love, as it is based on a deep understanding and appreciation of specific qualities, rather than an idealised image of the whole person.

Relationships, ultimately, hold up a mirror to us. They show us where our deepest insecurities lie, and when done right, help us work towards becoming the best versions of ourselves.

Meditation is not about escaping to a cave, silent retreat or cabin in the woods.

It's not even about sticking to a daily 10-minute routine.

It's simply the process of inviting yourself into the present moment, right now, even if only for a few brief seconds, multiple times throughout the day.

• Before that big meeting, close your eyes at your desk for just a minute, and follow your breathing.

• On the train home, close your eyes, and notice the sounds of your fellow passengers around you.

• As you take your morning walk, notice the smells and sights and view the canopy of the trees or architecture surrounding you in silence.

So much of life passes us by as we move from one action to the next, that just taking the time to notice our current moment and the transitions we make through the day can bring a sense of calm you may not have otherwise experienced.

There is nothing wrong with having a daily practice; in fact, it is highly encouraged. However, suppose you practice anything like I did for years. In that case, it's only when introducing "moment awareness" that I became less distracted and able to engage with the situations and people in my life in a far more heightened and meaningful way.

Lesson 1: Learn the language of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the language of success...

• Failure is inevitable, make peace with this fact.

• So that when it happens, you can meet yourself with compassion.

• And avoid negative self-talk.

Having stumbled, your ability to get back on the horse and succeed will be determined by how you talk to yourself.

Lesson 2: Being kind can mean being tough

Kind does not mean nice. For example:

• Giving honest and constructive feedback can be a tough but necessary act of kindness.

• Addressing conflicts or issues directly and respectfully can be challenging, but it's necessary to maintain healthy and honest relationships.

• Pushing someone to step out of their comfort zone or try something new can be a tough but caring act, as it helps them to grow and develop.

Understand that an act of kindness towards another, is just as much about your well-being as theirs.

Lesson 3: No One Cares

We all have our challenges, insecurities, and problems that we're working through.

While others may notice you and have opinions about you, it's unlikely that they are spending significant amounts of time thinking about or judging you. This realization can be liberating, as it allows you to focus on your own growth and development without worrying about what others may think.

The concept of "no one cares" reminds us that external validation is unnecessary for personal growth.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to meet and confront who I had become. There was a lot of shame and hurt, which was confusing. I muddled along for a while. Nothing online helped. Thankfully, I had a great therapist and support network.

I have signed up for Dickie Bush & Nicolas Cole's cohort-based course, @Ship30for30, with a resolve to make sure no one else has to muddle along by clearly articulating what helped me.

Here are a few reasons why:

1. I wish I'd known this sooner, but knowing our being (who we are when stripped of everything we've taken on since we were children) will set us free.

2. Mastering how we react to our thoughts is a critical life skill; why didn't they teach us this in school?

3. My superpower is relating to others. I want to show you how.

Over the next 30 days, I plan on writing about emotional hygiene, mental fitness, spirituality and navigating relationships.

Join me on this adventure—and let me know if you have any questions along the way!

I'm excited to start sharing what I know online.