Marcus Wermuth

I missed an essay. Yes. I feel a bit bad about it, but only a little. I still wrote yesterday, which in my opinions was the goal for this course and experience. To build a consistent writing habit. I am getting there. Just because I didn't post this on here doesn't mean I failed. Or does it?

This weekend I've been really reflecting. What is the purpose for my work, for my projects, and maybe even for my life. Yes I know that sound very philosophical and even a tiny bit over the top. But that's what it is.

Is getting more followers on Twitter my end goal? How is shipping 30 essays on social media contributing to my purpose. Why do I have to do all those side projects, conference talks and engagements. At times, like right now, it feels very challenging to push through. No time for fun, no time to just read a novel, no time to just sit there and listen to music. The moment I have thoughts like this I think: "Oh no I am wasting time." That's not good. That's not how I should feel.

What is my purpose with all this? What am I trying to achieve? I wish I had an answer.

What is the purpose of this post? Well if you feel in any way like it - know that it is ok. It is ok to not finish something, to stop doing something. Maybe sometimes we just have to be - nothing more and nothing else.

Today my head is spinning. So many different things going on at work. All are exciting at the same time, but still it is challenging. On top of that life keeps happening and you need to take part in that too. You can just say "Ok yeah I am not doing life today."

All of that adds to you load. To the things you have to take care of. Be it pets, kids, loved ones, a side project or anything else. Managing everything can be hard.

Maybe this is just a reminder for myself. That it is ok to take a break. That it is ok to feel exhausted and to not do anything over the weekend.

Especially in when you work from home, or virtually. This becomes an even bigger challenge. Work or related things are on your computer and phone. Right there. You could just quickly check this one thing. Boom. Straight back to work.

Checkout routines

Build some kind of wind-down or checkout routines for every day or even just the weekend. Make sure that you can recharge and not have to think about work. Life is important too, you know!

Personally walking the dog every evening is a great start. In addition to having the privilege to separate work and personal stuff on two different laptops.

Take a mental health or recharge day

I know I can call myself lucky with the unlimited vacation policy Remote (the company I work at) has. It allows us and me to take a day here and there when it is really needed without having to check on my vacation budget. If your company doesn't allow this, maybe propose the idea of a mental health day, per month or per quarter. It can really do wonders.

Take care of yourself

If you are a kind human being, you likely look out for others a lot. Don't forget to do this for yourself. Make sure that you don't pressure or stress yourself too much. Remind yourself that it is ok to feel stressed, and that it is on you to do something about it. Be kind to yourself!

The most important meetings for me are my 1:1s. That's where I can focus on building relationships, where I see the person as they are. Sometimes it is the only time I get to see the person on a video call. Making sure I use this time as best I can, while also giving them space is key.

Here are a few tips that I've been collecting over the past years of doing virtual 1:1s:

Personal story time

Use the first 10-15 minutes, depending on how long your call is, for personal story time. Just talk about live and what's been going on. This helps to create a stronger bond, and build a better relationship.

Prepare the agenda

I treat the 1:1s with the people I manage as following: This is their meeting. They can define what we will talk about. In general I tried to at least adhere to the 90/10 rule. 90% of the topics should come from them, 10% can come from my side if needed. Oh and of course use a shared doc and make it easy for the both of you.

Have a backup

Always have a question or topic as backup. In case the agenda is short, or you are eager to dive deeper into a certain topic. But don't overwhelm the other person. Just having a topic in the back of your mind can help. Even if the discussion then down the line goes in a completely different direction.

Have good audio quality

While both video and audio are important, understanding each other well is first on the list. Even if you would want to do walking meetings or similar things, make sure that the audio quality is as good as possible. Too much noise and always having to ask "What did you say?" can disrupt the meeting.

Adapt

Understand that not every 1:1 will be the same. Humans are different and everyone has various needs. Some people will fill the whole call with topics, others might need you to guide the conversation. Some are ok with 20 minutes, others need 40. That is all ok. It can vary. Be there and adapt to the needs of the individual.

For a long time, I didn't understand what that meant. It made no sense to me at all. Bob Dylan sang about it, Walt Whitman wrote about it, and a lot of others kept talking about it. I struggled and ignored it.

For a long time I considered myself an engineer, the complete stereotype that society has created. And I adhered to it. All the clichés that existed. Be introverted, only be interested in technical topics, no creative skills, poor communication skills, etc.

Can't tell you why I did or why I thought I had to. But the outside world did have an impact on how I defined myself.

Then suddenly, things started to shift. It felt like a slight earthquake under my feet, slowly getting stronger. Therapy and coaching shaking my world. I realised that I didn't have to follow those made up constraints. I could be more than just this one version or definition of me. I could be whatever I wanted or felt like. Even if it wouldn't fit together.

And there it was. Multitudes. That's what it means to me.

I can be this one version, the engineer, the manager, the professional, and at the same time like or do things that would contradict or not fit into this made up picture. I didn't have to just be the shy person just because the stereotype said so. I could be an outgoing engineer, who likes fashion, art and is empathetic and loves communication.

I am large. I contain multitudes.

Embrace who you are and who you wan't to be. Don't feel like you have to fit in a box.

There are times were I ask myself, how did I learn to lead people? Where did I learn how to communicate well with them? I approach my way of managing and leading people in a kind, empathetic and honest way. So far this was highly appreciated and enjoyable. But how did I get here.

While thinking about this today, one thing came to mind that might have had a bigger influence than I thought. At a past company I worked at, Buffer, it was recommended to read the book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie.

The title put me off a bit, influencing people has a strong feeling to it. The book proved me wrong. It was a book on how to work well with people and how to understand that we all are human beings with our own minds, feelings, thoughts and worlds we live in.

Here are a few lessons that have been influencing my way of leading.

Praise in a honest and sincere way

I have to admit, unfortunately this is something that we loose track of too often. Make sure that you praise often and sincere. It will do so much for the relationship and feeling in the team, if the great work is seen by you.

Talk about your own mistakes

Leading by example shouldn't be new to you. Saying that "I messed up" is such a strong and honest way of telling everyone that we are all human. That there is nothing superhuman about being a leader. We are all the same.

Encourage and motivate

This is also part of your job as a leader. Motivate and encourage the people you work with. Make them look past a mistake and extract learnings. Show them the bigger goal and give them purpose.

Be a good listener

Something that I don't hate repeating. Learn how to listen well. Everything you can do to get better at it, do it! As simple as that!

What is one book you would recommend?

When I became a leader, I was very focused on the skills I had to learn, and taking care of my team. That was my job. At least I thought so. While this is true to a certain extent, there is more to it.

What if I would tell you that instead of prioritising your team, you should prioritise your peers? Well, this is what Patrick Lencioni calls First-Team mindset.

It might sound false at first, but the more you think into it and try to experience it, the more it makes sense. You could have the best team, composed of all the most excellent individual contributors, but notice that all the work they are doing isn't moving the needle. You need to be aligned with your fellow leaders and the company, in order to be of better service to your direct team.

A First-Team mindset:

• creates a support network for you

• helps with visibility of dependencies and shared goals

• strengthens a learning culture

• gets you to be more vulnerable with your peers and overall.

Here are a few things you can use to try it out:

Approach it proactively

Be the person that reaches out to your peers to connect, if you feel the need. Also, bring the topic up with them and see what they think about it.

Share and Help

If you have a peer leader sync already, use that to build trust within each other and chat about common challenges or thoughts that help each other. The goal is not to find the solution but to mainly open up, show vulnerability, and share learnings.

No Ego

When the opportunities show up, and another teams needs help: Be the one that helps them. Put your ego behind you and step in.

Listen

Is a peer opening up with you, or sharing work challenges? Be sure that only end up in advice-giving mode. Be an active listener and understand what the other person is going through.

I think we all agree, embracing the silence in conversations, video calls or meetings is hard. It feels super unnatural and embarrassing. So much so that you want to fill the void. I know the feeling, it happens to me too.

Here are a few things that I learned in my coaching training and through my leadership experience.

Don't see silence as a failure

Speaking from personal experience, whenever it was silent in my 1:1s I saw it as a problem. It is not. First step in embracing silence - get comfortable with it.

Be lazy and don't rush it

What? Yes, you heard me - be lazy. That is my advice. Be lazy with your advice giving and responding. Delay your answer for just 1 second. Try it. Then slowly increase the time you can hold your reply 😅 Also try to speak calmly. Don't rush into it and make everyone feel like you are recovering from this awkward silence moment. Speaking calmly signals that silence is ok.

Be curious

If you feel the urge to say something, hold it for a moment and think how you could be more curious. Instead of answering immediately or solving a problem right there, think about another question that could lead the conversation deeper.

Is it the right time?

If the other person is talking less than usual, or a lot of silence is happening. Embrace it. Maybe it is not the right time. Maybe the other person isn't in the mood. Accept it and show empathy. Say it out loud: "Maybe today is not the right time to talk about this, let's check in later".

Use written communication as a playground

Maybe you are having a hard time to embrace the silence when speaking 1:1 with someone. If so, try to use written communication like Slack or Email as an exercise. Instead of writing your reply immediately, use the steps above to play around.

How are you handling silence in conversations?

Want to know the ultimate skill, that helps you in almost every situation as a leader? Really? Are you ready? You might have guessed it already from the headline - Asking questions well. It is not just about what you are asking but also how you are asking it.

Are you having trouble in your 1:1s? Can't really start deeper conversations? Want to really understand the motivation behind something? Well then I would recommend you the 6 steps I am sharing below.

Step 1: One question at a time

Don't overwhelm the other person. Ask one question at a time, to give enough space and time to the answer. If you ask multiple questions at once, you are overflowing the other person and the answer will only be half as good.

Step 2: Ask "What" questions

"Why" and "How" questions generally move the conversation int a defending and solution oriented conversation. "What" questions like "What's on your mind", "What else", "What is the really going on here" display curiosity and interest potentially opening up to a deeper conversation.

Step 3: Use all available channels and media

Don't limit yourself to just in person or video calls to ask questions. Use Slack, Email or even recorded video messages. Coaching or at least asking great questions doesn't just happen face to face.

Step 4: Embrace the silence

This was a hard one for me. Be ok when it is quiet. We all have different ways to digest information. Maybe someone needs a few more seconds to think about an answer. Ask the question and then give them space.

Step 5: Really listen to the answer

I shared an essay about Active Listening already. This is equally important here. Don't just nod with your head while thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. Be present in the moment and give the conversation your full attention.

Step 6: Acknowledge the answer

This is especially important when working virtually. Letting the other person know that you are engaging is key. It can be as simple as saying "I hear you" or "That sounds tough". You show the other person that you are with them in this moment.

We are all capable of listening. Hearing what others are saying. That's easy. At least I thought so. When I transitioned from being an engineer to a leadership role, I had to re-learn what good listening is.

As engineers we get trained to give input, to solve problems. So, if someone comes to us asking for help, we immediately want to jump to it. As a leader this won't work. Constantly giving advice when it might not be appropriate isn't helpful. But you rather need to encourage others to share their opinions and listen well.

Here are a few things you can do to get better at listening more actively:

Learn how to paraphrase

Instead of jumping to answer a question or give advice, try to paraphrase what you just heard. Send it back to the other person in your own words. This will make them feel heard, and allow you to understand what is going on, on a deeper level.

Be curious

Asking questions shows curiosity and investment. It displays the other person that you really want to engage and figure out what is going on. This is one way to be more empathetic in a conversation. Asking "tell me more about it" might feel awkward but can lead to really deep conversations. Create space for the other one to share.

Clarify and be transparent

Make sure you share what your intentions are. Why are you asking certain things? Why are you following up? Transparency is key to build trust in a team, but also in a 1:1 conversation. For example. "Can you tell me more about X, because I like to understand the reason behind your message and feelings."

Be ok with silence

Sometimes we try to fill every void. We somehow hate when it's quiet in a conversation. But that moment of silence can actually be worth a lot. Give yourself and others time to think and sort your thoughts. Maybe you are talking about a very stressful topic, giving space and time helps to digest what has been said.

Working with humans is hard. Not in complaining kind of way. More in a way that we are all different with our own set of rules, ideas, biases, opinions and mental models. The more I grow as a leader, the more I realise and notice the beauty of it. It kind of becomes playful, discovering new ways this one person works or behaves, in comparison to others.

At work I am currently focused on kicking off new teams. Building a team from the ground up. This is super exciting, cool topics to work on, bringing people together, creating flows and basic working structures. But it can also be a bit nerve-wracking. It will take a while that those teams will flow well together. They have to understand each other first, they have to find their own way. In addition to working on roadmaps and plans for the future. I wish I could have a magic wand and make that happen right from the get go, but I can't. Therefore I have to apply something that I sometimes struggle with - patience.

Patience can be quite important as a leader and human being. We each have our own speed of thinking and doing things, we need time to adapt. That is what I am doing right now. While I am still trying to give those teams the best starting ground, I need to also be patient and give them time to bond.

A few practical things that I am doing right now that might be helpful for others:

• If possible maybe don't setup new teams with all new hires, add 1-2 team members that have been with the company. This will help with sharing knowledge and speeding things up a tiny bit.

• Be transparent and open that the initial phase will be a bit chaotic and that you all need to find your way. Meeting structures will change, processes might be build or destroyed, and so on. Reinforce the nature of change.

• Make it fun - get to know each other. Don't waste time with status updates. Use the time to bond, ask icebreaker questions, talk about life, or exciting goals that you want to hit with the team.

2 years ago, my dad handed me my elementary school reports. "Here, just thought you should keep them." Not thinking much about it, I perused. It's been a while since I've seen them.

In Germany (not sure about other countries), teachers write a little something about the student for each report. Kind of like a commentary. When I was younger, 8 years old, I didn't really understand or care about it. I guess those were directed more to my parents.

25 years later, reading that one report from 3rd grade, felt like a slap in the face. "Marcus has trouble putting his thoughts into words."

Why did it feel like a slap in the face? Because I was still (!!!) struggling with that almost a quarter century later. Different thoughts, but the same issue. It had to change!

Writing as a way to train my muscles

Writing has been a great training for me. First it was just for myself. Journaling. Really just dumping whatever I was thinking about on a blank page of paper. Then I slowly made my way to writing articles. And now 27 years after that report - I am writing on self-publishing my first book. What a road it has been.

Coaching & Therapy

While this is not necessarily for everyone. Coaching and therapy have been a big help for me to get more clear. Clear in what I am thinking and how I can communicate that, either to just myself or to others. Listening, asking questions, and being able to blurt out everything was more than helpful.

Both force you to reflect and learn a lot about yourself. Indispensable skills for today's complex world.

What would you find in your 3rd grade report?

Offices exist to trap people.

I had the privilege to work remotely for the past 11 years. But with a recent job change I noticed, why it will be tough for offices to continue to exist.

The center of gravity changes

Most of us still have to choose their home according to where they work. We make our lives dependent on the workplace. Appartements, cars, schools, friends, basically everything evolves around that decision.

Working in an office means that our life's center of gravity is our work. Remote work adjusts that center of gravity to whatever benefits our life as a whole. And that is the beauty of it.

Refocuses on what is important

While changing jobs, I realised that it was pretty straightforward. I closed one Slack and opened another the following week. This makes it really hard for companies to retain people. Nice offices are great, and maybe cool to look at. But table tennis or a snack bar won't be enough anymore.

Remote work brings the focus back on what is important, like “treating you well” and “paying you well.” Instead of building a new office building, companies should focus on that.

Not to say that collaborating and working virtually has many more advantages. I will be touching on some of them in the next essays. Follow along 🙌

What about you - Do you enjoy offices or not, and why?

The past two years have been a challenge for everyone, worldwide. Especially for us leaders.

Organisations with a very rigid hierarchy were the ones struggling the most. This volatile, uncertain and complex world showed us that flexibility and strong connections are a huge help.

Here are a few characteristics I see in great virtual connected leaders.

#1 You cannot lead everything:

You become the bottleneck. Making everything depend on you, will hurt everyone that is around you, and even yourself. Working in a digitally connected world needs smart networks so solve and address complex issues. Learn how to delegate.

#2 Perfection is the enemy: 

Speed trumps perfection. A problem, within leaders and in our societies in general, is that we are afraid of making mistakes. Everyone is afraid of the consequence of error. But the greatest error is not to move. The greatest error is to be paralyzed by the fear of failure. Staying curious is more important than taking months to perfect something.

#3 Build connections: 

As you can't do it all on your own, it is super important to build a very strong network of peers, advisors and colleagues. People that you can rely on to help you with various topics. Having a diverse, knowledgeable, and experienced group of people becomes critical in today's world.

#4 Serve! Don't Tell: 

Be a servant to your teams and people around you. How can you help them achieve the big goals together? Being empathetic and learning how to ask questions are skills that will forever help you along your way.

Virtual Leadership should be a temporary privilege and a permanent responsibility.